Keys!

We have a 1993 Saturn. We bought it while we were stationed in Italy, and it has been a great car. Even though the odometer is stuck at 173000, (after flipping at least once before we bought it), the temperature light and the check engine light are always on, and, most recently, so are the gas light (even on full) and the emergency brake light (even when it is not engaged). We did not pay a lot for the car, and we have not had to put much money into it, and with the right inspector (wink, wink), it still passes inspection. It rattles, and the a/c does not work, but the heat does! It is great on gas, and it’s fun to drive (once you have learned to ignore the warning lights). Mick and I took it to the shopping center last week to run some errands. Details follow:

Wednesday - 4:30 – I am pushing Mick in the shopping cart, having just picked out shoes for Jack, and am perusing the Halloween house wares, while talking with Tim on my cell phone.

4:45 – I am at the customer service desk exchanging Jack’s sneakers for a different size. Mick is pointing at the counter and trying to stand up in the stroller-cart, and I am shushing him while trying to transact my business and trying not to hear the lady behind me who is complaining that she was supposed to be next in line (in our house, “if you move your feet, you lose your seat”, or, in this case, your place in line, since she was no where to be seen when the customer service lady motioned me to the desk!). Mick is pretty insistently pointing at the counter, and I am thinking he just wants to see what is behind the counter, so I tell him we’re almost done.

4:53 – I am digging through my purse and not finding my keys, when I vaguely remember seeing Mick holding them while I was on the phone with Tim and perusing the house wares. Uh oh. I backtrack through the store, starting at the customer service desk (the lady mentioned above was thrilled to see me again, I’m sure). Asking Mick repeatedly “Where are Mommy’s keys?” Imagining that he flung them somewhere (anywhere), or dropped them into a display vase or something. I start at the tablecloths, followed by the towel section, Halloween display and sneaker section. On my hands and knees. No keys. Then I remember Mick insistently pointing at the customer service counter, and I go back there yet again to investigate. I find an opening between the counter top and its side, about 6 inches in height, about 4 feet from the floor. I say to Mick, “Did you put Mommy’s keys down there?” He shrugs. I try to fit my arm into the opening, and find that there is no way to see the floor between the counter front and back.

5:25 – I call Tim,(my knight) who comes to my rescue, despite the fact that he was just turning into the O’Club parking lot to have a beer with some old friends when he got my call. He picks us up and does not utter a single complaint, or admonishment (like, “Why did you not take your keys from Mick when you saw he had them?”) Again, I vaguely remember seeing him with the keys, I wasn’t even sure he had them at all. What a guy. What a great guy! Did I mention that this is not the first time I’ve lost keys (or the second, or the third…) He did say he wished we had copies of the Saturn key (we had to replace the steering column a few years back when the key got stuck in it, so the ignition key is no longer the same as the door key (of which we have two). I tell him that I am sure St Anthony would kick in and that the keys will show up eventually.

Thursday 6:45 am - I take Jack to his bus stop and drive by to check on the Saturn in the parking lot at Kohl’s, half expecting to see a homeless person sleeping in the back seat next to the trash bag full of clothes to go to Goodwill. I remove the Christmas presents I had in the trunk and transfer them to the van. I take the bag of clothes to Goodwill.

12:30 – I return to Kohl’s to see if anyone has found my keys. No such luck, so I leave my name and phone numbers on a piece of paper with a description of my key ring, and go home to pray some more to St Anthony.

Friday - I call Kohl’s again to see if my keys have been found. They have not, so I call a locksmith who says it will be $300 to come out and make a new ignition key. 300 BUCKS! That equals; 158 loaves of bread, or 60 jars of peanut butter, or 100 gallons of milk or 182 gallons of gas or 577 lbs of bananas or my electric bill budget for the month!!!! I’m not doing that! So I call Joe the Locksmith who quotes me a price of $200, which is a little better. But not much. I go back to Kohl’s, and the lady digs through the lost and found drawer and pulls out 8 sets of keys. None mine. Where are these people? They probably have copies of their keys…. The locksmith says he can come on Saturday.

Saturday – I call the locksmith again, who says he will be in the area sometime in the afternoon, and will call me. I return to Kohl’s yet again, patting the Saturn’s hood to reassure it that we have not abandoned it. By now, everyone in the customer service department knows me by name, and I tell them I think the keys might be in that opening between the counter front and back. A particularly helpful clerk tries to find a way to open the area up that does not involve dismantling the counter. It’s not happening. The locksmith never calls. I don’t want to give him $200 anyways.

Sunday – On the way back from the barbershop, Tim and Shane go to Kohl's and crawl around the toy department looking for the keys. I am sure to the casual observer, this looked like quality father-son bonding...

Monday – Back at Kohl’s, my keys still have not turned up, when I remember this magnetic extension tool I bought awhile back and think it might be useful in retrieving the keys from that hole, if indeed, they are there. Which they very well might not be! I tell the lady I will bring the tool back with me next time, if they will let me try it. She just said to be sure to tell someone behind the counter what I was doing before I did it.

Tuesday – Pop into Kohl’s on the way back from Fredericksburg, on the off chance that my keys may have turned up. The lady acts disappointed that I didn’t bring my tool with me and when I said I’d bring it next time, she asked me to come between 12 and 4, since that is her shift. I think she planned to photograph it or invite the newspaper or something…..

Today – 6:45am put tool in front seat of van. 3:30pm pick Jack up at his bus and drive to Kohl’s. When I get to the counter, the customer service lady actually looks glad to see me, and I get to work. I wedge my arm and my head (!) as much as I can between the counter top and the front of the counter. I pray that I won’t get stuck, because that would really be embarrassing! All I can see are feet walking past me to get to the customer service desk, and Jack is muttering “I can never show my face in Kohl’s again!” The customer service lady tells numerous customers, “She thinks her son dropped her keys down the hole.” People laugh. I hear various suggestions like trying duct tape, chewing gum, etc. The magnetic wand hits metal! It sounds like keys! Who is laughing now? ME!! Several times, I feel the magnet catch, and get the thrill of snagging the big one, but each time I try to lift it, the keys fall. The store manager shows up, and I pull myself out of position to show her my tool (after she says, “Have you thought of using a magnet?”) Duh. Then I see that the magnet end has come unscrewed from the tool, which explains why it isn’t catching. I ask the customer service lady if she happens to have a wire coat hanger that I could unbend and use as a hook. You would think that a clothing store would have at least one wire coat hanger. Not Kohl’s. So Jack and I search through house wares, and I find a wreath door hanger. I tell the lady I’ll buy it if it works, but it is too short, so I go back and find a garden flag stake. I give the lady $9.95 for the stake, take off the packaging, and put it together. Perfect! I reposition myself on one side, and Jack around the corner, and manage to snag the keys with the garden stake, and push them up along the inside of the counter, all the while thinking “If these aren’t my keys, I am going to be really ticked!” They get to the top where Jack can reach them, and he pulls them out. Guess what? They are my keys!!!! The sales clerk looks as astonished and as happy as I feel. People cheer and there is much rejoicing. I call my husband, and he is also very relieved. I go home, show Mick the keys and he shrugs again. Tim and I go out to dinner to celebrate. Tomorrow, I am having copies of all the keys made…... and buying a flag for my garden stake.

Thank you, St Anthony, for once again helping me in my time of need
Thank you, Tim, for your incredible patience and love
Thank you, Jack, for not making more of a scene than your mother
Thank you, counter clerk lady, for your encouragement
Thank you, Mick, for keeping my life interesting!