No guarantees...

The Marine who was Tim's driver in Iraq lost his wife and his baby boy (she was 5months pregnant when she died) last week.  She was 21, he is 23, and is now the single father of a 7 month old son, who won't remember his mother.   He was driving when they hit the IED I wrote about previously.  I am sure when he came through that, he never imagined he would come home and lose his wife less than a year later.  It's all so very sad.  She was a beautiful, vibrant girl.  She and their infant son flew to CA to see him while he was attending recruiting school a couple of weeks ago.  Shortly after their arrival, she started feeling very ill.  He took her to the hospital, where they diagnosed pneumonia, and within a couple of days, they had put her into a medically-induced coma because she wasn't getting enough oxygen and it was a tremendous struggle to breathe.  Her unborn son died a day or two later, and she passed after a week or so in the coma.  We went to the wake last night, and the baby's ashes were in an urn in her casket.  Her husband said to my husband and me, that their 7 month old is having a hard time because she rocked him to sleep every night, and he misses her.  Her parents live locally, but his are in Georgia.  His life has completely changed.  It was good to see his Marine friends rallying around him for support, but in the end, the responsibility of making a life for himself and his son rests on him alone.  No 23 year old should have to go through this.  I don't think you can ever prepare for something like this, nor can most of us imagine being in his position.  I pray that he will continue to be able to count on family and friends, and that the raw pain and the shock that he is feeling right now will lessen with time.

My Brain Hurts.........

We just found out yesterday that Timmy is going to need surgery on both of his feet.  Without the surgery, he could end up with his joints fusing together, which could entirely mess up his feet, his ankles, his knees, etc.  He has completely flat feet, but apparently that is not all that is wrong with them!  He's been complaining of pain and hobbling around for some time.  He walks like a duck (he used to walk on his toes), slapping his feet on the ground.  He's been seeing a podiatrist for over 2 years, and has orthodic insoles, but they can't solve what is becoming a bony-structure problem.  Of course, since we are moving, it doesn't make sense to have the surgery performed before we leave, because he'll need to follow up with the same Dr.  His current Dr said he will be attending a podiatry seminar early next month in Georgia, and that he would try and find out if anyone there practices in the Northern VA/MD/DC area, so that he could send us to that person for a consult when we are up there house-hunting next month.  Ideally, he'd have the surgery and be out of casts by the time he starts school in the fall. 

I am still researching the housing market,and have started the mortgage approval process.  About the only thing I am sure of right now, is that we need more room than we have here, and that I trust our realtor to take care of us.  And that, 5 months from now, no matter what, we will be where we are supposed to be, and settling in!

This time around, more of the kids are expressing worry about the move, sadness over leaving their friends, worry about fitting in where we move, and in their new schools.  Katie is applying to be a summer camp counselor, which I think is a great job for her, but I think, in her mind, she is just anxious to get out of here and start her life.  I kind of wish she'd spend the summer with us getting settled into our new home and our new environment, before she heads off to Americorps in the fall, but I am glad she is motivated to do something constructive/productive with her summer.  Molly's best friend is moving this Friday, and she is very sad about that.  She says she finally feels comfortable, and like she fits in here, and has a good group of friends that she can be herself with, and we'll be leaving in 3 months.  Sigh.  It isn't easy being a military kid, that's for sure!

Que sera sera...........

Whatever will be, will be.  The future's not ours to see, que sera sera.

I find myself repeating the lyrics to this song often these days.  It gives me a little peace of mind, because I know that as much as I want to be able to anticipate our next move, and to know what the best course of action is regarding whether or not to buy a house, and where we should buy if we do go that route, ultimately, the choice will become clear in time.  I asked my husband today if he wanted to hear my thoughts on the best course of action, and his response was, "Sure, go ahead, you will change your mind tomorrow anyhow."  He knows me well.  I have been spending a lot of time looking at homes for sale in Northern VA.  And getting information on school districts.  To my dismay, the best school district for special ed is reportedly Fairfax County.  Which is also the most expensive area to live in in Northern VA, with an median income of $119,000.  It is the county closest to Washington, DC, and where Tim is likely to work next.  I also have enough experience with schools and with teachers to know that you can have a great school and a crummy teacher, or a less than great school, with a good teacher, and a child's experience in the same school can be very different from year to year.   Yesterday, I was totally leaning towards buying a home in Fairfax,  so that our kids could go to the "best" public schools, and then today, I realized that our quality of life could suffer greatly if we end up in an area we cannot afford.  We are pretty "regular" people.  I know Molly has been saying she doesn't want to move to VA because "everyone there is preppy and snobby".   I would hate for my kids to feel like outsiders because they might not have the same means as some of the other kids at school, and might miss out on some opportunities because we could not afford the lifestyle.  While I have no desire to "keep up with the Jones's" it can be hard on the kids to stand out.  And, while those county schools are highly rated, none of my kids are Princeton candidates, so maybe that is not as important as I was thinking.  

More affordable houses for sale are available in Stafford and Prince William counties, which are south of Fairfax, and would mean a longer commute for Tim.   Traffic there is notoriously horrendous, and he might have to resort to "slugging" it, which goes so completely against his nature, but I am sure he would come home with some interesting stories!  I have good info from a friend about good schools in Stafford (not sure about the special ed part, though), and the community they live in might be more suited to our income.   But, it is difficult to know, because there isn't anyone in those areas who we can compare costs of living with!  No one else is feeding a family of 11 (10 when Katie goes to Denver), or driving a 15 passenger gas guzzler, on my husband's salary level.  I'd venture to say that not many people do as much laundry as I do, and buying a home means paying for electricity and water!

A very good option for us (at least I think so, but my husband still thinks we should buy) is to move into base housing at Ft Belvoir.  They have brand new 5 bedroom housing.  There is a hospital on base (Mick's been admitted 4 times for asthma attacks needing supplemental oxygen), and a commissary, where our food dollars go furthest.  While there are no DOD schools there, there is an elementary school on the base which is a Fairfax county school, and our big kids would go to Fairfax county schools off base, so they would be in the best district, but we wouldn't have the high cost of housing if we lived on base.  We would be living among other military families, so our kids would attend school with their neighbors, with whom they have at least that in common.  Tim would be a lot closer to the Pentagon than he would if we bought a home in a more affordable county.  The clincher is that we aren't guaranteed base housing, and the wait for housing can sometimes be up to a year!  We are driving down to VA in April to house hunt, and we also have an appointment with the housing office at Ft Belvoir to see if they can give us any idea if we might be able to move onto base this summer.  They've already told us they might not have that info till 30 days out (since residents aren't required to give more than 30 days vacate notice), but it is my hope that my incredible charm and charisma might just cause them to make us a priority.  Ha.  I will not mention how hard we are on a house, or how many times Mick has clogged the toilet.  I will make us appear to be the picture perfect family, and convince them that it would benefit the entire community to have us as residents.  Wish me luck! 

Que  sera, sera.  Maybe we will get down there and fall in love with the perfect house, and it will be well within our price range, allowing for the additional electric and water bills, and taxes, with money left over to order pizza now and then, in a great neighborhood with great schools and easy access to a commissary.   That would be a good investment.  Stranger things have happened.  Whatever will be, will be.

In Honor of Valentine's Day

Love is..........

Saying you're sorry.  Often.  And meaning it.

Catching someone else's vomit in your hands.........and then doing it again.

Watching football, or political talk shows, or a chick flick, even though you don't particularly care for those things, just to be with the one you love and to see the enjoyment in someone else's eyes who does.

Love is saying "no" when it would be so much easier to say "yes".

Love is saying "yes" when it would be so much easier to say "no".

Love is caring more about someone else's comfort than your own.

Love is a shared look of understanding when words are not needed.

Love is the pride you feel when someone else reaches a goal, or fulfills a dream that did not come easily.

Love is the ache in your heart when someone else is suffering.

Love is appreciating someone else's efforts, even when the result is less than perfect.

Love is shared hopes and dreams.

Love is not caring if you lose if it means someone you care about wins.

Love does not keep score.......

                                 Happy Valentine's Day!

Advertising.....

To the person who created the commerical advertising Kohler toilets with a man flushing hair products, rocks, and an entire bag of dog food down the toilet, thank you.  Thanks also to the guy who made the tv commercial showing the kid putting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the vcr.  Lowe's Hardware thanks you for my recent professional-grade plumber's snake purchase.  Mick thanks you both as well.  Because I think he was running out of original ideas....... 

Ch ch cha changes.........

On Thursday, Katie got an acceptance letter to serve in Americorps.  She will head to Denver, CO, in September.  When I called my husband to give him the news, he said, "So we are hoping for orders to Northcom, right?"  Northcom is in Co Springs.  I pretty much thought this was a sign that we'd all be heading West this summer.   My husband called me the next morning at 8 am to tell me that the monitor has offered him 2 jobs - one in Quantico, teaching at MC Command and Staff, and one at the Pentagon - a joint job.  Both are good choices, and I had already been looking into homes for sale in that area.  There appears to be a good selection in our price range.  This is an exciting time for us, but bittersweet for me, the mom.  Katie will go off, by herself to a place she's never been.  A place we've never been!  Tim reminded me that probably 40% of today's active duty Marines did exactly the same thing at her age - and they knew they'd be going to war!  I suppose that is supposed to put things into perspective for me, but she's my kid, not a Marine!  I know she will be OK, but I'd have a lot more peace of mind if we were a few hours away from her, not several states!  I am incredibly excited for her, as well.  She will be embarking on a whole new chapter of her life.  I suppose being so far away from us will force her to be self-reliant.  Which can only be a good thing.  But, YIKES!

I joined the Down Syndrome Association of Northern Virginia, and have been communicating with several members who have their kids in VA schools.  I want to find the best school for Mick, with the least restrictive environment and the most inclusive one.  But, I am learning that inclusion means different things in different districts, and even in different schools in the same districts.  He will be tested and evaluated, to determine his "level" - either mildly, moderately, or severely mentally impaired.  Even typing those words pains me.  Because I know that he is developmentally delayed, but I also know he is smart.  His current school has full inclusion - he does everything the other kids do, along side them, with modifications (mostly communicative ones) as necessary.  It would kill me to see him in a class all by himself, being treated as the class "pet", but not having the same opportunities to learn as "typical" kids.  I don't want him in a special ed class that does not include "typical" kids, either, because he learns best by imitation, and I'd rather he be challenged to keep up with them, than having minimal learning opportunities because of some perceived inability or disability on his part.  He is supposed to start receiving outside (of school) speech therapy again, and I hope that it will make a difference.  As frustrating as it is for us to try and understand him when he is trying to make his wishes known, I know it has to be even more frustrating for him to not be able to communicate - and especially hard when people don't know him.  Around here, we can pretty much figure out what he wants, needs, or is trying to say.  That won't be the case when he starts out in a new school.

And then there is Jack.  I am really interested in this new Catholic High School that is opening in Dumfries, VA.  As tough as his middle school years have been, I am ever conscious that a public (vice DOD) high school is more likely to have problems with drugs, gangs, and unsavory influences.  Not to pretend those things don't exist in base schools, but I'd like to think they are a little more controlled here.  Can we afford Catholic school and a new house?  And utilities?  And gas/transit fare to and from DC if Tim gets the Pentagon job?   And, I'd love to have Molly do her Junior and Senior years at this same Catholic high school, but it will have only 9 and 10th grades to start with.  So, do I want Jack and Molly at separate schools, or would it be better for them both if they went to the same public high school?  So much to think about!!!!

I am ready to move on and do something different, but this is a hard place to leave!

A looooong night..........

At 10pm last night my husband was hunkered down and ready to go to sleep.  I was trying to finish a book I've been reading for almost 6 weeks (pure fluff...), when Mick started to cough.  I went in to give him an inhaler dose, and he insisted that I lie down with him till he fell asleep.  So, I got my book and read by his closet light until he was asleep.  After about 15 minutes I swore he was asleep and got up gingerly from beside him to go back to my bed.  As soon as I opened his door, he opened his eyes, and patted his pillow, and would NOT take no for an answer, so I laid down again.  Read a few more pages.  Thought he was asleep again, so got up again and he woke up again!!!!!!!  Since he was still coughing a bit, I brought him downstairs and got him settled on one couch, while I lay on the other couch to finish my book.  No sooner had I read the last sentence, when I heard Kiley upstairs crying.  I knew that I would probably get to take a nap this afternoon, and that Tim would not, so I went up and got her and brought her downstairs with me.  I turned out the lights, and laid her on my chest, and she promptly fell asleep.  Until Mick started coughing again.  Here is how the rest of the night went:

He:  cough cough cough cough cough cough

She: pops head up to see what's going on

Me:  I try to hold inhaler with spacer on Mick's face long enough for him to actually inhale some albuterol.  He blows out instead of sucking in.

12pm.

She: cries because she can't get comfortable

He: in between coughing fits, pats her back to comfort her

Me: I think about making a bed for her on the floor, but decide against it because she can now climb the stairs, and the gate at the bottom does not fit well.

1am

He: is sound asleep, sitting upright, on my feet.

She: is sleeping comfortably on my chest

Me: freezing because he has my blanket, and the door from the hall to the garage/playroom is open because Katie is sleeping in there.  Afraid to get up and either close the door because Katie might freeze, or turn up the heat because it might make it harder for Mick to breathe, or pull up the blankets because I might awaken #s 8 and 9!

2am

He: Still sleeping comfortably on my feet

She: wakes up fussing

Me: I decide to move with her to the other couch with the warmer blanket!

3am

He:  sleeping comfortably on the couch

She: sleeping on me, with her knee in my neck and her elbow in my eye

Me: wondering if Tim will get the job at the Pentagon or in Quantico, and how much our utilities will cost when we have bought a house, and the kids leave the windows open with the a/c on, or they leave all the lights on.....

4am

He: still asleep

She: making some strange sucking sounds over my shoulder

Me: I get up to make her a bottle when I discover that she is sucking on the mouthpiece to Mick's inhaler spacer

5am

My Marine wakes up, makes coffee, asks if I got any sleep, and kisses me goodbye

He and she sleep on

Me: I remember another evening when I didn't sleep - New Year's Eve, two years ago (see blog entry), and decide that there are much worse things then losing sleep while I am caring for my children.........

6am

The dawn of a new day

12:53pm

Going to take a nap!